Keeper Keeper!

With the football season nearly on us (sorry Democracy Man, I was overlooking the fact that the lower leagues, if that doesn't sound too snobby, have already started) I was pleased to see that Chelsea signed a goalkeeper called Kepa. Pleased for three reasons.

The first is that it meant that, when Tibaut Courtois inevitably went to Real Madrid, Chelsea did not take Jordan Pickford from Everton just as the transfer window was closing, which had been of some concern to me, even though the newspapers were reporting that Everton would be able to resist. (Pickford is only one year into a five year contract).

The second reason is I won't have to go to Goodison for the fixture against Chelsea to shout abuse at the overly tall (and while we are being politically incorrect in terms of body shaming) large nosed Courtois after what he said about Pickford during the World Cup (see Wide Open Indeed, 18 July).

The third reason is even more juvenile. By signing Kepa Arizzabalaga Chelsea have a keeper called Kepa, which appeals to my sense of the ridiculous. (I realise Kepa is actually pronounced Keppa, with a short 'e', but as he doesn't spell it like Peppa Pig, then in England chum your name is pronounced 'keeper'. You can see I miss the days when Liverpool's Jan Molby - pronounced "molboo" in his homeland - adopted the Scouse-Anglicised version of his name).

Some of you will know I have a kind of fantasy team of players with ridiculous names. One of my sons told me this was vaguely racist (guilty on reflection: though Steve McMananman is in it because that's always struck me as a ridiculous name - surely it was meant to be McMann or McMahon?) The combination of some names is far too rude for this demure blog (some of you will recall Christian Fuchs played for Leicester City in the 1980s but it gets worse). Keeper Kepa had already got into my squad last year when he came to my attention at Athletic Bilbao.

Now those of you who have played some football will know defenders are never meant to call for their keeper to come to the ball - they should let him make his own mind up. Only the keeper is meant to shout "keeper's!" when players are deciding whether to challenge for the ball. But it strikes me that, if the football was given the feminine gender rather than being called "it", the coach might shout "Keeper Kepa, keep 'er" if he didn't want his goalie to release the ball to waste time.  Of course this is all inspired by the character Major Major Major Major in  Catch 22. If anyone can think of how to get the 4th keeper in there please do let me know.

Meanwhile Liverpool have signed a Kepa - sorry keeper - called Alison (ok, maybe it's Alisson)  Becker. For those of us who watched Liverpool fans present Everton's Gordon West with a handbag every year when he went out to play in front of the Kop, while the crowd sang "Gordon West, Gordon West, he's a bigger tart than Georgie Best" this development is understandably amusing.

More importantly (can anything be less important?) I'm not having too much trouble confining my expectation for the new season. Pundits to a man are predicting Manchester City will retain their title, though watching excellence and possibly history being made shouldn't really be boring. Of greater concern is that Everton remain, well, a great concern. I was one of a minority of Everton fans who wasn't optimistic about last season - I couldn't see that the new arrivals would offset the loss of Lukaku and the expected loss of Barkley which of course materialised, as between them they were the source of the majority of the team's goals and inspiration.

As for this summer's signings, I will reserve judgement after last year's transfer window debacle.  I am trying (but failing) not to be pessimistic about the manager, Marco Silva who I still find a curious appointment. However, the team did need strengthening in defence, midfield and attack and on the face of it that has been done. A left back to compete with/take over from Baines was needed last time and the signing of Digne belatedly addresses that.  As for the two Brazilian signings, Richarlison (Richardson, surely?) and Bernard (full name Bernard Anicio Caldeira Duerte so Bernard with a short "a" will do for me), I will try to reserve judgement until Christmas (but don't bet on it) given that Watford under Silva imploded last November after a good start and Richarlison, after five goals and eight assists in the first half of the season, didn't contribute to another goal after Silva's departure (ok, sacking) in January. I doubt it's a coincidence that Richarlison can be bagged for your Fantasy Football team at a bargain value. Bernard has done quite well in his 5 years at Shaktar Donetsk but we were led to believe Klassen was a gem of a no 10 last summer. Bernard is a winger with pretensions of playing no 10. If he is a winger and Richarlison isn't an out and out striker either I worry that we are still doing the same as last year, filling our squad with similar players resulting in a chronic lack of balance.

As for the defence, I was pleased to see we got Colombian Yerry (inauspicously named after Jerry of Tom and Jerry) Mina rather than Manchester United's limited Chris Smalling or Argentinian Marcus Rojo, a permanent red card waiting to happen from what I've seen. Mina wasn't always an automatic selection at his last club in Brazil and only appeared 5 times for Barca last season. Some critics say he's better attacking corners - as he did so well scoring against England in the World Cup - rather than defending them. He did ok against Harry Kane in that match but I worry he has been picked on one performance. It wouldn't be the first time my club had done this over the last 50 years....

Andre Gomes, a utility midfielder who has played left, right and centre, as well as both full back positions, has also arrived from Barca on a season's loan. The Portuguese international figured in the 2016 Euros but lost has place for the World Cup. He did well at Valencia and appeared 46 times for Barca in two seasons but it is not clear to me that this standard of player would qualify for a work permit if that's what EU nationals require post Brexit.

So this just might be a better mix of buys than last time but we'll see about the quality. To even do ok Everton are going to need a decent tally from their centre forward, whether this is Cenk Tosun signed last January or the youngster, Dominic Calvert-Lewin. Pessimistically perhaps I see Everton's outstanding crop of young players (including Calvert-Lewin, Kenny, Dowell, Lookman and Holgate) getting increasingly marginalised and probably slowly drifting away from the club. Perhaps even Tom Davies, though he has nearly 60 first team appearances behind him, so I do hope that he gets a look in.

If you don't detect much enthusiasm here you are right - I am hoping that test cricket will more than divert my attention away from the start of the Premier League season. When I was younger I couldn't wait for the football to start. My parents would say it started earlier every year, which was of course nonsense. But it feels that way to me at the moment......

A few pulsating games would change that rapidly, mind.